Brian's Journey - Carpe Diem

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero. (Seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow.) A phrase from Horace's Odes, from which the overused sub-phrase "Carpe diem" was plucked and made popular by the 1989 movie, "Dead Poet's Society," never ceases to come to mind whenever someone I know passes away. This is especially true when that someone is younger than me.

Less than a week ago my dear brother, Brian passed away from Leukemia. He was only 53 years old. We were not biological brothers, but brothers through my marriage to his sister. Even though I am divorced from his sister, we were still brothers. In fact, I remember a text message that I had received from him in February of 2011, while I was in Oregon. In essence it said, "You and I did not get divorced." It is interesting how simple things like that message become indelibly printed in one's mind. And though that was four years ago I still remember that I was driving from Eugene Oregon to the Coast and had stopped at Triangle Lake to take pictures. It was snowing and the hills surrounding the lake were white and the lake was still and peaceful. It was so quiet and then there was the sound of a text arriving at my phone; a text from Brian reminding me that he and I were still brothers.

The years preceding Brian's death had been years of of turmoil and challenge, including the passing of his father, Bob in 2008. Somehow, though Brian managed to remain upbeat and full of life and living; I suppose each day for him was all about seizing the day. Brian became the de facto "man" of the family Bob Day. He stepped up and cared for his mother and with his sister they became the managers of the family estate. This new role gave him purpose and a further challenge in life.

But, Brian's challenges were not over; life would not become easier. At the age of 51 he was stricken with Acute Myeloid Leukemia - a vicious disease. When I heard the news from his sister it touched me to my core. Here was someone that I knew, my brother, suffering from a disease that for older patients is seldom survived. I was not there during the early period of initial treatments, the chemo-therapy, but via his sister I learned that he fought bravely and was always optimistic. Brian would not go down without a fight. I was honored to be there with him in Seattle as a caregiver while he underwent his post-transplant treatments. Each day was a wonderful experience. We did a lot of things together in Seattle - I was the consummate tourist. The only limitation to our doing more was the perpetual fatigue that seemed to grind on Brian from morning to evening. Despite it all, Brian was always upbeat and feisty - for lack of a better word to describe his daily demeanor! Now, whenever I have a mud pie at Red Robins I will think of Brian - and probably start crying!

Five days before he died his sister sent me a text, "Brian sitting up on edge of bed, a little fuzzy, but watching the game nevertheless. He made it to the game. Day 7 of 4... Amazing." On January 13, in response to my inquiry, she sent "Waning." It was quiet for a day, then early on January 15 came the text - "Brian, my dearest brother and best friend, passed away this morning around 345 am, January 15, 2015."

His obituary reads, in part, "Brian truly lived life to the fullest through simple pleasures; chatting with and helping family and friends, playing and watching sports (especially the Seahawks), and spending time with his beloved dog, Xena, at dog parks in both Richland and Spokane. Brian had an uncanny ability to reach people in positive ways through his extraordinary humor, compassion, and patience."

From his friend, Steve Wilkins, "Just read Lori's "Confessions from a Cousin" Wow! Everyone should have supportive family like that! The last couple weeks, I had a chance to see Brian a couple times at the Spokane Hospice House. With his devoted sister at his side, Brian was still cracking jokes and trying to make the best of a bad situation. It would have been very easy for Brian to play the victim card - but he refused! Would love to go fishing with Brian on a peaceful lake, surrounded by beautiful mountains and fish biting - but I'll have to wait my turn. Rest in peace Brian. Your friends and family will join you in the boat later!"

 One might ask why I include these quotes. Well, for one they are a testament from those who loved him as to his willingness to live life - "Carpe Diem," and two I am also reminded of the remonstrance given by the wise philosopher Solon to the unwise Lydian King Croesus, "Count no man happy until the end is known." The four pieces of wisdom that Solon tried to impart to Croesus, whom did not listen were:

1. Don’t take things for granted
2. Focus on what matters most
3. Stay vigilant and beware of pride
4. Endure to the end

Carpe Diem Brian, Carpe Diem!!


 

Brian's Journey: Goodbye and God Bless, and a missed hug

I don't usually get texts early in the morning - especially at 5 am in the morning. I was lying in bed contemplating getting up when I heard the sound, from my phone that indicates that I had received a text. Even before I eventually read it I knew what it was going to be. It was a text from Brian's sister, Val, informing me that he had passed away at 3:45 AM January 15, 2015. His battle with Acute myeloid leukemia is over and he can now, finally rest. That last day in Seattle, the last time I saw him alive, he was lying on his back in the cancer ward being fed with the minerals that were being leached from his body by the myriad pills he took. As men often do when they part, we exchanged pleasantries and he thanked me for being there to help. I wished him well and told him that I would see him later when he was back home in Spokane. We shook hands and I went home to Albuquerque and my life. 

A few weeks later Brian was back home in Spokane and had even driven down the Tri-Cities area for a job interview. There was hope for life. His sister traveled Spokane for Christmas, they all thought that it might be their last one with their mother, who is suffering from Alzheimer's. Not a week after Val returned home to Santa Fe I received a text from her saying could I come get the dogs and that Brian only had a few days left.  His AML had come back with a vengeance and there was nothing the Doctors could do. That was on January 3. The doctors gave him 4 maybe 5 days, he made it 12 days!! He was a fighter.

Brian spent his last days in a beautiful Hospice in Spokane; the same one in which his father Bob spent his last days. There is a certain bitter sweetness to that, given that Brian was there when we moved Bob to his final home. Spokane Hospice House is an amazing place with incredibly caring nurses. They are angels in disguise. 

I often wonder why men don't hug more. It is a wonderful way to share yourself with another; it is a wonderful way to express that you care. So our last moments together was a last and missed chance for two brothers to hug. It is hard to hold back the tears as I write and think about how much I am going to miss Brian. When I left Seattle there was hope that all would be well and Brian could resume his life - it didn't happen. 

I prefer not to remember Brian as a sick man but as he was in the picture taken in 2006, when we were all in Chicago for a big Day-Family reunion, wearing a glow ring and joking with other members of his family. This was the Brian that was alive and healthy and celebrating life to its fullest. 

REST IN PEACE BRIAN JOHN DAY August 24, 1961 - January 15, 2015