The other morning as I was heading
out the door for work I received a traffic alert via a text message. It is a
service provided by a local radio station. The alert said that West Bound I40
was closed at Carlisle, the direction I would soon be heading, because of a
loose animal. This was around 0640. I thought to myself that by the time I got
there, I was going to stop at the store and get milk, the police would have the
situation taken care of and while traffic would be slow it would be moving. I
stopped at the store and got my milk and by the time I was getting onto the
interstate at Tramway and heading west it was just before 0700. As I approached
the Louisiana off ramp I noticed, on one of the electronic signs that hang over
the interstate giving updates on traffic conditions a message stating, “In
celebration of the interstate closure at Carlisle several Albuquerque drives
have decided to have a mutli-car pileup to further upset your commute.” Clearly
someone was looking for another excuse for being late to work. “Apparently
those red brake lights really do mean traffic isn’t moving,” thought the person
reading their text messages as they plowed into the back of one of the stopped
cars.
Normally I would just slither along
with the traffic in order to rubber neck but this particular morning I wasn’t
in the mood. I was anxious to get to work in order to check out the cooling
capacity of our new refrigerator by putting my newly purchased milk in it, and
yes to have a nice cup of coffee with said cold milk. So, rather than sit in a
line of slow moving traffic I got off the interstate at Louisiana. Driving down
Central Avenue on my way to Yale Boulevard I drove passed the Frontier
restaurant and it occurred to me that I had not had one of their breakfast
burritos in a very long time. A quick U-turn at the next available left turn
bay brought me quickly back to that breakfast burrito! My motto for the day
was, “When life hands you lemons, have a breakfast burrito.” Wow, what a
morning; first some milk for my coffee and then a delicious burrito for
breakfast.
So, where am I going with this
discussion anyway? Well, unlike most Albuquerque drivers who seem to be just
scurrying around like cockroaches when the light is turned on, in their 2-ton
death traps looking for their next accident, I am heading toward telling you
just how bad the drivers are in this city.
You see, Albuquerque doesn’t have a
traffic problem in the sense that there are too many cars for the carrying
capacity of the roads, like for example Los Angles. No, what Albuquerque has is
just a boat load of very bad drivers and for some reason they are always trying
their best to be in everyone’s way, including their own. To give you some
statistics, if you take any 10 drivers on the road at any given instant, 25 of
them will be some of the most horrid drivers ever encountered. Now you ask,
“How is that possible?” It is possible
because it seems that all of the bad drivers move here from every other place
on the planet and then breed more bad drivers. But then you say, “No, that is
not what I was asking, I was asking how is that 25 out of 10 drivers are bad?
That just doesn’t make sense.” To which I answer, “You are right, it doesn’t
make any sense to have that many bad drivers all in one place.” Now you are
looking at me with desperate exasperation. “NO, NO, NO!” You yell, “I mean how
is it possible to have 250% of all drivers being bad drivers?” Again, I have to
answer, “Albuquerque is just unlucky I guess.” I mean New Mexico ranks last in
just about every category including drivers. Now you are really irate, so you
leave in a major huff, get into your car and drive off and engage in major acts
of road rage, including driving headlong into the back grandma’s 1965 Lincoln
Continental as she lollygagged down the interstate at 31 miles per hour. Your
car never stood a chance and all the impact did to grandma was to knock her
dentures out of her mouth; she’s still trying to find them.
Your funeral services would have
been next Tuesday but the hearse carrying your coffin slammed into the back of
a line of cars stopped on the interstate waiting for the police to round up
some animal running loose in traffic with a what appeared to be a huge toothy smile
– caused a hell of a mess – cars burning, including the hearse. I managed to
get off the interstate at Louisiana and avoid the mess – and that is how I got
my breakfast burrito! So, I guess I owe you a big thank you!
Happy Driving Albuquerque!
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